Friday, October 29, 2010

Nothing to it but to do it


This blog suffers from ADD, so don't be alarmed at the lack of cohesiveness.
This gem of a title came from an expression a gentleman I knew years ago.He would do the old hand smack with his male friends before they would go out and get there party on. Yes I admit it I have known many douche bags in my life. Where is he now? Probably selling sensible shoes in the heartland of America.
Relax, strap in and get ready for the blinding lack of continuity .
Let's do a remember when--remember when: You saw your first movie alone? Jaws 3D; year, 1982. Nothing to report; it was a piece of crap, but I got to see this dreck alone, so I felt cool. First time you thought you were going to die in a movie theater? Early '90's, watching Alien 3-- fella in back of me was making quite the racket, so I gathered up all my gumption and said "hey could you and your ladyfriend keep it down? I am trying enjoy my cinema experience. He obliged by kicking my seat quite forcefully and explained in very salty language that I would meet a bad end at the barrel of a gun; oh, and his girlfriend was going to f#ck me up, too. No, I did not die, but I certainly did not enjoy my cinema experience
"I used to love them, but now, not so much"... I've been thinking about this; have you noticed that so many of the things that happen to you in life become metaphors for relationships?
Bands you like. At first, every thing was great; then, it changed. Things were never the same;
now you pretend they don't exist. You liked them before they were popular, now they're the pretty girl at the prom who's ignoring you. You're probably angry because they loved you when no one else did; they moved on--you didn't. But hey, let's face it; human relationships are so

Even old jobs have become abusive relationships. At first it was fine , then became controlling treats you like moron , might as well push you down the stairs. Suddenly a lousy boss turns into Ike Turner. Now I've had some lousy bosses, but I don't ever remember being beaten with a shoe, as far as I'm concerned maybe if I did some physiological beatings I might have ended up in a better place.

One last piece of the confused pie:

As you may have surmised, I used to watch a hell of a lot of TV, so you start to see many of the same actors over and over again. Do you ever think Keith David and David Keith ever get confused
with each other? The two fellas bump into each other on the street...

Start: Keith David and David Keith

Hey you! It's you!

David Keith:
Don't you narrate commercials for the Army?

Keith David:
Didn't you make that movie where you killed yourself and you were in the Army?

Both guffaw.

Keith David:
Weren't you in the film Lords of Discipline?

David Keith:
Hey weren't you in that movie with Jennifer Connolly where you taught her a little discipline with a stripper and a double sided dildo?

Both laugh heartily, slap each other on the back and decide to make plans for a sitcom.

Scene: fin.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bad morning at Foggy Bottom


"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany".

I use this quote because:
a) I'm a Star Wars geek (complete with Princess Leia costume)
b) I'm describing a typical workplace


c) public transportation

If you picked "C", you are correct sir.

Now let me tell you about my morning ride:

Reading The Post, trying to keep myself awake (yes, The Post, not The Times--too expensive). Eventually I decide to stand to try to kill time, staring out the window, trying to discern shapes in this sea of fog. Suddenly it seems that voices are piping up; two, to be exact. Bodies tumble to the groung. Kicking. Biting. Scratching. Two teens--no, two fully grown women. This display seemingly goes on forever. Finally, one middle- aged woman finally steps in to stop the fracas and gets caught in the melee of airbrushed nails and braids. Of course, what fight wouldn't be complete without the security guard? Yes, I know he's a professional--it says so on his jacket. Three other women start yelling out, "ladies, please; we're all adults", to which one woman on the ground said "I'm gonna kick yo' ass, bitch".

Where was I? In the back. I'm no fool. Considering an old woman got cold cocked by one of the women and others had been pushed or pulled. I was happy to stay in the back and watch the Gladiator fight. All we needed was a tiger and Russell Crowe in his metal skirt.

The fun ended, as it always does. One woman (the one who proabably started it) yelled out that she was going to "arrest the animal who assaulted me", screaming at the deckhands to get the cops. Me, I haul ass outta there.

Women are the fairer sex?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Talk about philosophy, thinking about porn

This is the way it goes: not hot enough for metal, not cool enough for alternative and I haven't given up on life enough for emo. Oh, aren't we all in a bind.

Never really thought of myself as an artist; a mere dabbler, as they say. I recently tried to work on a painting. Oh, it's always so much better in our heads. What comes out on the canvas? That's another story. Sorry, I'm quite tired.

So... my train of thought has been derailed. No funny pictures; no witty comments.

Monday, October 25, 2010

This smells funny...Try it

Sunday in New York

Sunny crisp October. Don't have to work so enjoy the day right?
Spent the afternoon in Dumbo, went to this Steampunk event, held at a loft space.
I've been intrigued by the whole concept of  the Victorian/Science Fiction meld.
I'm also a sucker for the old timey style of dress. 
Top hat, canes, spats, gals in corsets, men with wacky facial hair
drinking tea, eating lavender infused cookies.
All the while sitting in folding chairs as various writers gave impromptu readings
of their work.  I gave it some time enjoyed myself and left.
Not a total convert but enjoyable afternoon.
So there I was taking photos, a relaxing day. What would make it complete?
a lovely grande cup of Pikes Place at Starbucks. Cup at the ready:
( little secret refills are .54 cents as opposed to paying 2.40 for another cup.
seems logical, oh and it shows I care about recycling).

I put my cup on the counter proudly exclaim "refill please" and patiently wait for
my java.  Change in hand the barista says 2.40 "please".
Confused I say "but this is a refill". 
"Oh sorry we don't do refills".
"If you got the coffee here we would,  but you didn't
and its at the discretion of the baristas" 2.40 please"...
"Please don't hold up the line thanks"...

Seeing the barista mafia was holding my cup hostage,
and attacking me with more please than anyone should have to endure
and I really wanted the coffee I acquiesced.
Before I left I got "sorry about that, please come again" complete with
sarcastic smile. thanks. Outside of the store I realized I paid full price
for my coffee and they didn't replace the cup. 
Full price dirty cup-- I take a large swig, not realizing the coffee
tasted funny not bitter, rancid. The second gulp was even worse
I now have nauseous feeling and an awful taste in my mouth
what to do?  I found a frozen yogurt truck, order a simple
vanilla hoping this awful taste will go away.
At first it worked. then about 10 min later I found myself
feeling the strong urge to throw up.

I find myself wandering the crowded streets trying to find an empty space
to "take care of the problem".  Kids, old people, strollers, hipsters,
gypsies, tramps and thieves.  I NEED ONE EMPTY BLOCK!

Finally one garbage can and empty street, I cross the block I look to my left
I look to my right , I cross and a guy walks in front of me.  Are you OK?
Do you need help?  He blocks my way to the garbage can. I gently nudge
Mr. Helpful out of the way to reach the goal.
As I look up he's standing over me "Oh I get it sorry"...
I dab my mouth with a tissue, and say
"sorry you didn't get your merit badge helping me with directions
but I'm sure you'll find an old lady you can help across the street". 
He mumbled something and walked away...

Later in the evening I found myself in Manhattan, thirsty and a bit drained.
I still needed my Pike.  Rancid cup in hand  go to the counter at Starbucks
expecting the worst and order my coffee. Huzzah! grande 54 cents, my faith
was tested by Brooklyn  but all was well in the isle of Manhattan.

What's the moral of the story?
There is no moral- just try to avoid  the Starbucks Brooklyn douchbag baristas.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I like the quiet, don't you? (my own private soundtrack)

As you already know everyone has an opinion.

Please allow me to opine on a subject dear to me.

Much has been written lately on the iPod (or as I like to call it "the glorious music machine"). The complaint is (and there's always one) -- "everyone is now hooked up, tuned in and tuning out. Public spaces have now become cocoons; sealed off from one another".

My question is: when did this become a bad thing?

As I'm sure you know from reading my previous blogs I so enjoy interaction with people (especially the subway riding public).

Between obtrusive conversations and dirty comments (I have a good one); a gentleman (actually, a human douchebag), greeted me with "Hey pretty eyes,
I like your ass". From my eyes to my ass. What a sweetie.

When I have my iPod, it's as if I have an invisible force field that says "I CAN'T HEAR YOU; I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU--GO AWAY!". Being able to shut out the maddening crowd (and for a brief moment) and enjoy a soundscape of good music (God knows, I'm sick of hearing snippets of crap music).

Listen: iPods didn't start human isolation. The people who write these articles haven't lived in the big city for long (let me guess: you're from a small town where you bought penny candy. Your mother went to the town Woolworth's to buy gingham for a "purdy" new dress, and of course, Shopkeeper Dan knew your name and was always glad you came. Too bad--we are city folk; we do things differently.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go back to my wall of isolation.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

In the land of the paste eaters, the man with the Moe Howard haircut is king

Every day is a challenge.
Yes, many look at the bright side of things and I admire that.
For me I feel obstacles are constantly in front of me. 

Simple things- try to post a picture on twitter only to encounter whale fail
or that stupid robot icon.  Writing this goofy blog and having my computer
crash on me (because I love to edit over and over). 
Dealing with my phone a Pre--Say what? Never heard of a Pre?
Came and went, now I have an obsolete phone that doesn't take new apps. 
At this point I should take two Campbell's soup cans, tie strings at both
ends and get better reception. 
Nice- pay 83.00 a month for the privilege of being unable to log into facebook. 

One thing about facebook-
When people "friend" me I  accept.  Maybe I know you, maybe not.
Really who cares, It's facebook.  As long as you don't send me pictures
of your cock, or spam who cares its facebook.  I send a request and
it's "do I know you"?  Do you want a five page essay on how we were
friends in college, or I knew you twenty years ago in Junior High
or I saw your FB page and golly you seemed interesting! 
Accept or don't; but please I'm not gonna steal your personal info  or identity. 
Your just not that important.

Every day crap-
I go to Starbucks to get my dose of Pike, and without fail the "Barista"
is always washing and rearranging every cup behind the counter,
completely ignoring me.  I'm glad they want to be clean,
but spare me the OCD for a second.  To get counter girl to notice me
I tap my foot and let out a little cough, nothing. 
At this point I could be Savion Glover  with whooping cough,  this bitch isn't looking up. 
Finally some guy from the back alway comes to the rescue. 
Unfortunately he just threw out the trash, and probably has garbage juice on his hands.

When all fails Dunkin Donuts-
I love a place that says "environment be damned" and uses Styrofoam cups.
yes the place smells and it feels like you walked into an oven, but the coffee does the job.
Just don't  let them sucker you into a breakfast sandwich. Croissant, plastic cheese
mystery egg product and a whiff of maple...just give me a coffee to go.

More to come...

Sunday, October 17, 2010


I try to stay out of the way, keep my head down and go about my business.
That being said- I find a great many things annoy me.

Why when I go to the supermarket, Duane Reade, CVS or Walgreen's
I'm expected to shell out more money. You know breast cancer, leukemia
hoof and mouth disease. I just gave the store all my cash, now you want me to dole out more.
"Do you want to donate to help cure Cancer"?  Asks Nancy the cashier.
"No thanks" I reply.  Of course Nancy gives me that "so you want more people to die" glare.
Just put a jar next to the counter and cut the malarkey.

By the way, does every Chinese food restaurant have that one tin can
"To help stop child abuse".  Some no name charity with a creepy picture
of a  a cute blond kid in pigtails cowering in a corner.
Please I'm begging you- give me my egg drop soup and leave me be.

dicks and cellphones- No not a new indie rock band.
Everywhere I go some schmuck makes me privy to every piece of his or her life.
Imagine being stuck on a bus with a migraine at two in the morning sitting next to the woman
giving a play by play of her abortion to her ex boyfriend, intermittently screaming "can you hear me"?
My only consolation was that she had just sucked out the next generation of her horrid family.

My recent encounter with a jerk off was on Sat.  Dressed like he was going to the Benny and June  lookalike contest- baggy pants and yes he even had the stupid hat.  Talking loudly on his cell, nervously laughing and swinging his arms.  Everywhere I went he was there, constantly making dumb jokes and knocking into me.  Did he say he was sorry or an "oopsie daisy"?  Nope.  Pissed off, I drop my basket and run to the exit. Of course Benny decides now he wants to go and runs to the door knocking into me one last time.  The last thing I heard him say was  "had a rough morning, took  Zanax with my scotch". 
One last chuckle.  Yes drinking and having a pill addiction is a laugh riot...

And last-

For the last couple of months Ive tried to avoid watching TV. Maybe this makes me a closet intellectual
but I find myself reading much more that watching Television. Bored and against my better judgement I watch a show called- wait for it... Jerseylicious. Yes, the titled intrigued me. The premise is the reopening
of a salon in Green Brook, NJ called the Gatsby. Owned by a mother and daughter team complete with a "cast'' of stylists and the usual wacky situations and cat fights.  Yes all this from the great state that made
Guido's and Guidettes famous.  The Gatsby is an "artistic environment of timeless classic beauty". 
They wrote it not me.  No you can't make this shit up. 
Last I checked having the skin color of a Cheeto, nails that look like talons and make up that gives the impression you were the victim of an assault wasn't very stylish. Then again maybe everybody wants to be Snooki and I'm the crazy one...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Still True

Back again riding the ferry, may I just say "voyage of the damned"? Why does the drug addict, the woman with 10 kids, the really loud woman, the wino and the shitty teenager have to sit next to me? I must have done something really bad in a past life. If I have learned anything about public transportation, it's keep your head down and always look busy.